Genesis 9

In which God makes a pretty rainbow so we'll always remember what a murderous psychopath he was, and the incredibly pious family of Noah gets right back to pissing God off.



Commentary
Skeptic's Annotated Bible

9:1  And God blessed Noah and his sons, and said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth.

We had the problem from the beginning of Adam and Eve that, either Cain slept with Eve or with an unnamed sister.  Here we are again: the only people left are Noah + wife, and their three boys and their wives.  Oh, wait, I guess if you're living hundreds of years you can produce lots of offspring in that time.

9:2  And the fear of you and the dread of you shall be upon every beast of the earth, and upon every fowl of the air, upon all that moveth upon the earth, and upon all the fishes of the sea; into your hand are they delivered.

Animals are afraid of man.  (Only, not all animals are afraid of man.)  Why should animals be afraid of man?

9:3  Every moving thing that liveth shall be meat for you; even as the green herb have I given you all things.

Yeah, that's a good reason.  Plus all the animal sacrifice.

9:4  But flesh with the life thereof, which is the blood thereof, shall ye not eat.

What?  The commentary says this is a prohibition against cannibalism and eating live flesh.  If you're going to eat meat, kill the animal and drain the blood first!

It also seems that this is the start of SDA Jehovah's Witnesses' problem with blood, as they consider a blood transfusion to, in some way, be a form of "eating the blood thereof."  If receiving a blood transfusion is what was meant by Gen 9:4, you'd think an omniscient and omnipotent being could formulate that instruction with a little more clarity, so that so many people would not suffer as a result of a misinterpretation.

9:5  And surely your blood of your lives will I require; at the hand of every beast will I require it, and at the hand of man; at the hand of every man's brother will I require the life of man.

I guess this means that God is requiring the servitude of man and animal?  I sure hope so, because otherwise it sounds like God is just thirsty for more blood.

9:6  Whoso sheddeth man's blood, by man shall his blood be shed: for in the image of God made he man.

Everyone except Cain and Lameth, who were not punished for the crime of murder.  If they had still been alive, they'd have been killed in the flood, though.

9:7  And you, be ye fruitful, and multiply; bring forth abundantly in the earth, and multiply therein.
9:8  And God spake unto Noah, and to his sons with him, saying,
9:9  And I, behold, I establish my covenant with you, and with your seed after you;
9:10  And with every living creature that is with you, of the fowl, of the cattle, and of every beast of the earth with you; from all that go out of the ark, to every beast of the earth.
9:11  And I will establish my covenant with you, neither shall all flesh be cut off any more by the waters of a flood; neither shall there any more be a flood to destroy the earth.

Yay, no more floods!  I'm sure the tsunami victims are happy they weren't killed in a flood.

9:12  And God said, This is the token of the covenant which I make between me and you and every living creature that is with you, for perpetual generations:
9:13  I do set my bow in the cloud, and it shall be for a token of a covenant between me and the earth.
9:14  And it shall come to pass, when I bring a cloud over the earth, that the bow shall be seen in the cloud:

See!  A pretty rainbow!  I'm not so bad!

9:15  And I will remember my covenant, which is between me and you and every living creature of all flesh; and the waters shall no more become a flood to destroy all flesh.
9:16  And the bow shall be in the cloud; and I will look upon it, that I may remember the everlasting covenant between God and every living creature of all flesh that is upon the earth.
9:17  And God said unto Noah, This is the token of the covenant, which I have established between me and all flesh that is upon the earth.

Yeah, we get it, the rainbow is a reminder of your covenant.  What I say three times is true.

Now for some more insanity:

9:18  And the sons of Noah, that went forth of the ark, were Shem, and Ham, and Japheth: and Ham is the father of Canaan.
9:19  These are the three sons of Noah: and of them was the whole earth overspread.
9:20  And Noah began to be an husbandman, and he planted a vineyard:
9:21  And he drank of the wine, and was drunken; and he was uncovered within his tent.

The pious Noah is a drunk!

9:22  And Ham, the father of Canaan, saw the nakedness of his father, and told his two brethren without.
9:23  And Shem and Japheth took a garment, and laid it upon both their shoulders, and went backward, and covered the nakedness of their father; and their faces were backward, and they saw not their father's nakedness.
9:24  And Noah awoke from his wine, and knew what his younger son had done unto him.

What Ham had done unto him?  You were passed out naked and drunk, Ham walks in and sees you, and goes out to tell his brothers.  What horrible crime did Ham commit?  There is such an obsessive fear of nudity in this book it's really perverse.

Well, since Ham committed such a terrible crime, I'm sure he's about to get punished.

9:25  And he said, Cursed be Canaan; a servant of servants shall he be unto his brethren.

Yes!  Cursed be Canaan!  Canaan?  What?  What about Ham?  What did Canaan do wrong?  This is just nonsense.

9:26  And he said, Blessed be the LORD God of Shem; and Canaan shall be his servant.
9:27  God shall enlarge Japheth, and he shall dwell in the tents of Shem; and Canaan shall be his servant.
9:28  And Noah lived after the flood three hundred and fifty years.
9:29  And all the days of Noah were nine hundred and fifty years: and he died.

But honestly, the rest of you can only live 120 years, I promise.

Okay, really?  Ham does nothing more than see his naked, drunk father's junk and Ham's son, Canaan, is punished by God to forever be a servant (meaning, all servants are descended from Canaan, more bad writing).  Can anyone tell me why this makes ANY sense at all?  Again, God is showing such a twisted view of morality, justice and punishment here.