Skeptic's Annotated Bible
1 And the LORD spake unto Moses and to Aaron, saying,
2 Speak unto the children of Israel, and say unto them, When any man hath a running issue out of his flesh, because of his issue he is unclean.
More skin conditions. This time it's a "running issue." I guess this means that it's some kind of fluid, and it's ongoing. Not like a blister that has a little fluid and stops, but more like a bleeding infection. Or something.
More pre-scientific medical ignorance.
3 And this shall be his uncleanness in his issue: whether his flesh run with his issue, or his flesh be stopped from his issue, it is his uncleanness.
Of course he's unclean, he's got a bleeding infection. Get him some penicillin, Neosporin and gauze! Oh, wait...
4 Every bed, whereon he lieth that hath the issue , is unclean : and every thing, whereon he sitteth, shall be unclean .
5 And whosoever toucheth his bed shall wash his clothes, and bathe himself in water, and be unclean until the even.
Even if you touch his bed at 8am and immediately wash your clothes and take a bath, you're still unclean until the sun goes down. Because, of course you are.
6 And he that sitteth on any thing whereon he sat that hath the issue shall wash his clothes, and bathe himself in water, and be unclean until the even.
7 And he that toucheth the flesh of him that hath the issue shall wash his clothes, and bathe himself in water, and be unclean until the even.
More wonderful examples of bad writing. Yeah yeah, we get it: wash your clothes, take a bath, unclean until the even. Wash clothes, bath, even. There's this little thing called a conjunction where you can combine "touch his bed," "sitteth on any thing whereon he sat" and "toucheth the flesh of him" and refer to all three in the same verse, rather than repeating the bulk of the sentence each time.
8 And if he that hath the issue spit upon him that is clean; then he shall wash his clothes, and bathe himself in water, and be unclean until the even.
9 And what saddle soever he rideth upon that hath the issue shall be unclean .
10 And whosoever toucheth any thing that was under him shall be unclean until the even: and he that beareth any of those things shall wash his clothes, and bathe himself in water, and be unclean until the even.
11 And whomsoever he toucheth that hath the issue , and hath not rinsed his hands in water, he shall wash his clothes, and bathe himself in water, and be unclean until the even.
Oh for crying out loud. We get it already: clothes, bath, even. Clothes, bath, even. Can we just stipulate as understood that anything this "issue" touches makes the toucher unclean, and you then have to wash your clothes, take a bath and wait until nightfall to be clean again?
With all this focus on washing clothes and taking a bath, you'd think there'd be some mention of what it would actually take to be clean. You know: detergent, soap, shampoo, a friggin' washcloth.
And before you complain that this is before the knowledge of such things, keep in mind that this is the Bible, it's supposedly the "word of God," and this god is supposed to be all-knowing and stuff. If he didn't know about, you know, *soap*, then I'm not really impressed with his "knowledge."
Not to mention the fact that this is all part of a bullshit remedy for someone who touched something that might have been touched by someone who has a bleeding ailment. I would think the immediate focus would be on the person who is sick, and only subsequently on keeping the surrounding environment and caregivers clean. And these standards of cleanliness would apply regardless of the type of ailment. A patient who has influenza may not have a bleeding skin condition, but still would require sanitary conditions for the sake of the patient, the caregivers, visitors, and other patients.
Okay, perhaps you're saying that yes, of course God knew about soap, but he couldn't reference it directly because the people who he was writing for at the time would not have known about this modern invention. I direct you to the history of soap, in which we see references to soap as early as 2800 BCE in Babylon, and including many references to soap used in Egypt and Rome at a time when such knowledge would apply to this story. Ancient Greeks had soap too. (Greek baths, anyone?) So that can't be it.
If you believe this stuff, you have to accept that God knew about soap (all-knowing), it was available and known to the people of time time, it would have been beneficial to apply to the specific situation of keeping people clean and reducing the risk of infection while in proximity to a sick person, and this God, being the benevolent and protective father figure that he is, witheld this information from his people while specifically instructing them on what to do to keep them safe in this situation. Instead, though we haven't seen it yet, I'm sure that we're going to kill a bird or a goat or something and use its blood. This is just ancient ignorant nonsense, and fortunately we've long since learned the correct way of treating illness and disease.
12 And the vessel of earth, that he toucheth which hath the issue , shall be broken : and every vessel of wood shall be rinsed in water.
Yes, rinse it in water, but don't bother with the soap. Um, why do you destroy something that's earthen but you can just rinse something that's wooden?
13 And when he that hath an issue is cleansed of his issue;
No word on *how* the sick person was healed...
then he shall number to himself seven days for his cleansing, and wash his clothes, and bathe his flesh in running water, and shall be clean.
Because water has such inherent healing properties.
And we're not talking about modern, sanitized water, with purification, filtration, etc. We're talking about unfiltered, unsanitized water from a river or pond. This would be just as likely to cause a wound to be further infected as to help clean it out.
14 And on the eighth day he shall take to him two turtledoves, or two young pigeons, and come before the LORD unto the door of the tabernacle of the congregation, and give them unto the priest:
Oh yes, here we go with the killing of animals again. Turtledoves or pigeons, not a whole goat. I guess that makes sense, since a bleeding infection is somewhat less serious than leprosy. Oh wait, IT DOESN"T MAKE ANY SENSE AT ALL. Ugh. Here's a hint: if it made any sense, then today, when you go to the doctor (or your priest, I guess), you'd check to make sure you have a couple of turtledove to take with you so the doctor/priest could slaughter one of them and sprinkle you with blood. What, your doctor/priest doesn't do that? Oh right, because it's bullshit.
15 And the priest shall offer them, the one for a sin offering, and the other for a burnt offering; and the priest shall make an atonement for him before the LORD for his issue.
This is just a strange perspective here. Really, think about it. A person gets sick, and part of the process of restoring their cleanliness (spiritual purity, whatever) is to make a "sin offering" and make an atonement for the ailment. As if the person willfully did something wrong by getting sick? It's like the person is apologizing to God for having been sick, and asking God's forgiveness for his crime. This is rubbish, but it's also a sick and twisted form of psychological abuse against the people who are unfortunate enough to believe this crap.
16 And if any man's seed of copulation go out from him, then he shall wash all his flesh in water,and be unclean until the even.
An argument for a daily shower.
Because a natural part of male physiology, semen, makes you "unclean." So so strange that we're talking about this in the same chapter as "running issues."
17 And every garment, and every skin, whereon is the seed of copulation, shall be washed with water, and be unclean until the even.
Now I know that this sense of "unclean" isn't talking about spiritual purity, because it doesn't make any sense to talk about the spiritual purity of garments. Any more than it makes sense to talk about houses being infected with leprosy.
18 The woman also with whom man shall lie with seed of copulation, they shall both bathe themselves in water, and be unclean until the even.
19 And if a woman have an issue, and her issue in her flesh be blood, she shall be put apart seven days: and whosoever toucheth her shall be unclean until the even.
More oppression of women. Yes, women bleed. It's natural. But since all women do it, this is a handy way of keeping them in line for something they can't control.
20 And every thing that she lieth upon in her separation shall be unclean : every thing also that she sitteth upon shall be unclean .
21 And whosoever toucheth her bed shall wash his clothes, and bathe himself in water, and be unclean until the even.
22 And whosoever toucheth any thing that she sat upon shall wash his clothes, and bathe himself in water, and be unclean until the even.
23 And if it be on her bed, or on any thing whereon she sitteth, when he toucheth it, he shall be unclean until the even.
24 And if any man lie with her at all, and her flowers be upon him, he shall be unclean seven days; and all the bed whereon he lieth shall be unclean.
Got that guys? If you're wife (because of course you're married if you're having sex, right?) is menstruating and you get any of that blood on you, then *you're* unclean for seven days too.
This is the biblical version of cooties. Don't touch girls or you'll regret it.
25 And if a woman have an issue of her blood many days out of the time of her separation, or if it run beyond the time of her separation; all the days of the issue of her uncleanness shall be as the days of her separation: she shall be unclean.
26 Every bed whereon she lieth all the days of her issue shall be unto her as the bed of her separation: and whatsoever she sitteth upon shall be unclean, as the uncleanness of her separation.
27 And whosoever toucheth those things shall be unclean, and shall wash his clothes, and bathe himself in water,
(...but don't bother with soap...)
and be unclean until the even.
28 But if she be cleansed of her issue, then she shall number to herself seven days, and after that she shall be clean.
So basically, post-pubescent and pre-menopausal women spend 1/4 to 1/2 of their time being "unclean." Hard to be a productive member of society when you're separated from everyone for that long, innit?
29 And on the eighth day she shall take unto her two turtles, or two young pigeons, and bring them unto the priest, to the door of the tabernacle of the congregation.
Oh really now? We have to go through this bloody mess again with the killing of the birds?
Here's a question for you. If the woman is "unclean" because of the blood, then how is it that adding more blood will make her clean?
Women of this time must have been exceptionally skilled at catching birds.
30 And the priest shall offer the one for a sin offering, and the other for a burnt offering; and the priest shall make an atonement for her before the LORD for the issue of her uncleanness.
Again, it's not her fault that she's menstruating, and treating it like a crime she's committed that she has to atone for or apologize for is a form of psychological abuse.
31 Thus shall ye separate the children of Israel from their uncleanness; that they die not in their uncleanness, when they defile my tabernacle that is among them.
32 This is the law of him that hath an issue, and of him whose seed goeth from him, and is defiled therewith;
33 And of her that is sick of her flowers, and of him that hath an issue, of the man, and of the woman, and of him that lieth with her that is unclean.
Interesting that when a woman menstruates she has to be separated 7 days, and then on the 8th day she has to take a couple of birds to the priest in order to perform some witchcrafty rituals in order to be made "clean" again. But if a man jacks off, all he has to do is take a bath, wash his clothes and wait until nightfall, and then he's clean again. This harassment of women is really appalling.
Now, how does this comport with Genesis 38, in which Onan is killed for "spilling his seed"? This has been interpreted as an injunction against masturbating (because "every sperm is sacred"), but now we learn that all you have to do is take a bath, wash your clothes, and wait until nightfall in order to be clean? Um, contradict much?
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